证明自己

生命中是否有些东西你一直想证明自己，但是其实并没有证明的价值？

其实或许不是能力不及，而是心不在。

我走我的路，我愛我的家。

 （这是重新改装重刊的一篇，因为原先的最初那篇被 blogspot 的错乱系统吞掉了 )

我的博士學程已來到了一半了，上個星期的口試考得還不錯，算是輕騎過關了，成績比我想像中的好很多。

這一再證明了，有些事情或工作，也許我可以勝任，但是我的心從來不屬於那塊田地。

“恐蛟龍得雲雨，終非池中物” ，我知道我可以成就一些更高更遠的事業，尋找那個真正適合我的性格，特長，和抱負的事業，不會喜歡一個人長期悶呆在實驗室裏。我喜歡思考辯論，喜歡看待和 分析大局，喜歡接觸群衆，見人溝通作思想交流，喜歡用我的熱忱去做一些東西可以帶來實質的改變，然後直接從受惠受益的群衆得到微笑的肯定，帶來歡樂和意 義。

我知道當初選擇這條路，畢竟是我自己的選擇，沒有理由可以後悔和怪誰。也許是到了這個博士階段 ，才看得清楚自己究竟喜歡些什麽，想要些什麽。或許這與目前德國這裡的生活經歷和環境有關，使我對科學殘留的熱忱逐漸地被消耗磨滅。又或許是因爲當初我在 倫敦碩士班遇到了恩師和伯樂，給我極大的鼓舞和支持，賦予我在科研方面的重大意義，點燃我當時為科研的熱忱和傻勁。我有一班非常要好同甘共苦的系友，有一 個大家庭式互相關愛的研究院同事和朋友。那段碩士時光是我求學里程中最快樂的短暫日子，所以才滿懷期望繼續了博士這條路。但是，我不知道，碩士和博士原來 是完全不可同日而語。在博士歲月裡，不只是我，我不少的前碩士系友也有同感（那天在倫敦與他們暢談互怨才發覺原來不開心不得意鬱鬱不得志的，也不只是 我）。

我沒有說我後悔這決定，畢竟這是一個人生的嘗試，正因爲嘗試過才知道自己其實真正要些什麽，適合什麽，追求些什麽抱負理想和人生意義。

我 當然會繼續我的博士，直到完成和畢業。以後我有興趣和嚮往做一些跨領域的工作，最好可以結合目前我有的科學知識和專業技能，然後與管理，領導或(政策)策劃相關 的工作。也許很多人會認爲我一定去參政非去跑政治最前綫不可，其實我目前並沒有如此的想法。我覺得，我未必要成爲議員才可以有成就。那些成爲議員的，通常 都會過忙，漸漸地陷入黨派政黨政治的鬥爭也許最後會忘記了當初的理想。而我是很理想派的，我比較希望能保留和運用我的專業和良知來'參政'，尤其是影響政 策的制定。兩個我比較有興趣的方向，就是大馬的科研發展和醫藥改革，因爲那些是最符合目前我的專業的。

我明白這類型的工作是可遇不可求的。尤其是在現時馬來西亞的大環境下，找個理想的工作養活自己，然後再創造良好的條件爲了組織未來的家庭，其實一點都不簡單。

马来西亚是我的家。

为什么是我必需要离开我家？为什么该离开的不是现在不公平的政府？

我 不怪我那些已是专业人士的朋友总是抱怨马来西亚（政府）的不好，对他们何等的不公平待遇。他们一直很想离开这里，寻找外面更美好的天空。这是正常有事业上 进心人都会如此想的事。现在他们的待遇难道是他们应得的吗？又怎么能忍心怪他们欲离开的念头呢？爱国论又可以绑住多少人的心呢？

去过了国外，来到了西方世界，在两个不同的国家住了6年了，你问我他们（西方人）真的有如此那么好，那么强，那么厉害吗？我倒不觉得，反而我想问的是，我 们国家土地有，丰富资源有，聪明人刻苦耐劳的人都有，独特的多元文化语言社会，食物那么好吃，那么美丽的国家，为什么我们的国家还是会比人家差呢？这是我 们马来西亚人应得的结果吗？

在外面闯了那么多年，家永远还是家，一个归属的地方。回家的感觉最好。

无论最后我的事业在哪里发展也好，我还是心系家乡，等待着最好的机会回家 -- 为理想，为家庭，为社会，为国家。我爱我的国家，我要成为协助参与建设发展国家的一份子。我不是逃兵，我是爱国者。

Bad mood because of bad performance

Sometimes you might hope that one more day things would get better, one more chance things wouldn't be the same. But the reality is, you don't have one more day or one more chance. You must perform and deliver that， when the time comes.
(I regret that i didn't today)

遇到挫折感时，谁还会是我的精神寄托？

帮朋友想的反稀土辐射运动的中文标语口号

毒辐射？不如众乐乐！ （当时想到俗语说：“独乐乐不如众乐乐”）

'爱我环境一万年，不要害我子孙一万年'

重逢伦敦

慕然回首，曾几何时伦敦是载着我多少的梦想，希望和憧憬的地方啊！人生多少的欢乐时光光辉岁月是在那里度过的。只是现在的伦敦对我来说，既熟悉又陌生。

那里过去的种种生活痕迹还在，但已物是人非了。我已不属于那里的了，如今我只是个暂时的旅客和时光的过客。

客观不等于中立

客观不等于中立，中立也不代表客观。

这句话尤其是针对那些不选择立场（或没立场或含糊立场），爱各打五十大板，口中爱呈现‘中立’的人士。

理想派 II

没有理想派的推动，这个现实世界是不会有多少的改变和进步的。

（当然不是叫你不切实际地好高骛远...达至理想是一定要用对的策略克服现实的障碍的）

理想派

在这年头，当很多人宁愿向现实低头放弃当初的理想，我应更坚定我的信念。
 我是死忠的理想派，相信很多理想并不是不可能实现，而是有人没有尽心尽力去尝试就先放弃了。

Angry for a reason (or many reasons)

http://xiaxue.blogspot.com/2011/05/vote-wisely.html

In reference to the blog post above, I believe the author tends to simplify things, and not going into analysing the phenomenon of the emotions of the rally crowd in details. Emotions appear only on the surface, people don’t get angry just because of the rally talks, rather they agree from the bottom of heart with the analysis of the speakers.  That doesn’t mean that they all are obsessively emotional and not thinking seriously for what it really matters or means to them.  In a democratic country, where the people can freely participate in politics or policy formulation, still they show emotions to what favour them and what does not.  They believe that, if the ruling party doesn’t concern about their causes, or take care of their interests, some of them (who maybe are the disappointed long-term supporters) choose to negotiate or pressure the ruling party to compromise into giving grounds (very often if the party refuses to oblige, they must decide it based on some other conflicting interests); some of them who do not see hope in the changes forthcoming from that ruling party they could go to the other competing party who can promise and champion their cause. In the end, democratic free and fair election is the only game in town to resolve all these conflicts to a certain extent. People can exert their free will and judgment into some representatives can truly represent their voices, and thus influence the making of new policies to deal with certain critical issues or concerns of people. 

In a semi-democratic country like Singapore,  to change within the system, if it were truly could be done, and people still lay hopes on that, I guess more of the people would choose this easier path to achieve the goals, and therefore people would be expected to be less angry towards the ruling party (government before the election, now interim not incumbent ). The reasoning is simple, because of the heavy tilted advantages (read: unfair and not-free election to a large significant extent) towards the ruling party, the ruling party will be almost certain to restore the power after the election, people choose cooperation would be easier to get what they wanted. Their causes and concerns, I believe, are what matter to them the most, and they don’t care which party as long as the party supports and listening their voices.

I think this explains why the people are angry or emotional… they are simply disappointed or disillusioned or lose hope in the ruling party that they can truly represent their voices, and implement the change they would like to see. If those were just petty issues, or non-political issues, it would be silly for singaporeans to express their dissatisfaction against the big-bro government for the fear of serious repercussion. The opposition parties would not be easily ‘inciting’ the emotions, certainly cannot fool the smart and calculative Singaporeans, if the undercurrent dissatisfaction of how life and politics go in Singapore on the ground simply doesn’t exist. If the previous government has done well all the time and capable at fixing the problems/issues raised by oppositions, they certainly have less to worry and sure they are still popular. If the indication points out that the government has failed and no (or less) indication of changes on offer, not blaming the ruling party then blame who? In the end, who is in power to formulate and enforce the policies to take care of the citizens in all aspects?

Therefore voting for opposition parties, signify the ruling party (if they still go on and win the elections) that the grassroot grouses can be ignored at their own peril, and let the capable new voices to perform and represent them, to push for the changes they would like to see. Voting for opposition, could probably be an informed decision, and cannot be regarded as 'not voting wisely' or emotional votes (that is why Malaysian ruling coalition BN always in denial). Remember, the result of the general election should always reflect the situation on the ground at that particular period of recent time (eg. 4-5 years performance of the last term), disregard the glorious past and how much the ruling party has been contributing to this country since independence. A political party must keep up the pace, evolve and be forward looking at shaping the future of the nation and society.

Always with good check and balance, the democracy is healthy and thriving and eventually beneficial to the people. Somehow I believe Singaporean politicians can carry out their responsibility professionally. So, make an informed decision and vote wisely!

(p/s: sure, voting for the ruling party could also be a wise and informed decision, i don't deny that, as long as you can also reason that out...after all, democracy cannot be just having one voice-- that is fake!)

(p/s 2: sure, that is not my country, people may condemn me for not fully understanding about their nation before comment, therefore i make quite an principal theoretical statement responses to that blog, from the standpoint of what democracy, election, and government mean. I will not go through point to point rebuttal of that blog, but many of the author's arguments i found are flaw, just reflects that she doesn't fully understand or appreciate the values of democracy and what are the responsibilities or functions of government.)

(p/s 3: For the case of my country and state, so far (and most likely still be valid at the point of next election) I would definitely vote for current PR state government (ruling parties) and vote against BN federal government. That is simply not emotional... i have too many reasons to do and say so. You would see how my argument and testimony work for the incumbent Selangor State government. 8-) )

Everything you do, every word you say

Never underestimate your influence and significance to others, at least the people around you. Every action and every word from you, may mean something to somebody.