Today I lost the reason to smile

Today is Independence Day for Malaysia. I would like to say, I love my country so much, love the people, the unique culture, the natural beauty , the food, and many many other more.
After an emotional chat with one of my friends who still apparently staying awake in the midnight in Malaysia, then i only found out that 'proud' and 'happy' are two different feelings on this special day.
Why? He threw me this question: ' Are you not feeling proud to be a Malaysian?' For God's sake, i love my country so much, how can i not be proud to be a part of this beloved homeland? then i think about his question can further sounds like 'how can you be proud and at the same time (today, the significant day) you are unhappy?'

First, i have to identify what am i proud of and the reasons why i feel proud. From the bottom of my heart, i realise that it's the LOVE for this land that i was borned in and lived in for so long, accounts for everything beyond rational. I am proud of the country which is supposed to be, but i am deeply concerned and worried about the current situation of the nation, the way the administration is running and its ability to handle various social problems and crisis now (which i am ashamed of) . In the end, it turns out to be my worries override my happiness (which supposed to be), makes me not feeling happy on this day. I don't know -- how can i be happy while i have worries that look so vivid and threatening?

What am i worrying? I think it's better to suppose to start with who should i be worried about.

I worry about the safety and security of my love one, my family and my friends walking on the street, day or night. I can't let them to be exposure to the unpredictable danger ahead. As the crime is seemed very prevalent nowadays, the police force doesn't convince the public about their ability to protect the citizen (even though they should have enough number to keep society in order - according to the report of Royal Commission on the police ). What can i ask for more if a basic task and duty they can't even fulfil the public expectation , instead they are trying to spend time to find out the absentee of National Service, arrest those who didn't pay traffic fine, invade into rock gig venue and arrest the youngsters and labelled them as black metal followers (my younger brother got into this)? While on the outside when we need more police to patrol to ensure the safety of the neighbourhood, however robbery,thievery, rape, murder, fighting are still on the rise, frightening people. What is the sincerity of the Police and Government if the Independent Police Complaints and Misconduct Commission can't even established, let alone other 124 recommendations in the report of Royal Commision on the Police?

On the economic side, our citizen are experiencing more living expenses pressure. Petrol price is on the hike, all kind of bills fee increases but the ordinary people's salary does not increase correlately. The economy is still a mess, the essence of New Economic Policy still haunting all malaysian, as few know this would only benefits to crononies and few people, not to majority of people. While Malaysia is started to lost the attraction to foreign investors, our dear miss Minister of International Trade and Industry still can act so arrogant, telling the foreign investors to go back home and not to come here to invest if they don't comply with our Positive Affirmative Discrimination economic policy that enforces 30% bumiputera share stakeholders. The economy doesn't look good now, it exerts some pressure and effects on me as well. As my father is a businessman, one of the most vulnerable to economic changes, i still have at least 2 years to continue my studies in UK (if i pursue my Master degree later on), i will be worried because i'm not a government sponsored student. The tutorial fee here is untoleratable high, trust me (not sure many of you know this). Furthermore my brother is planning to go overseas to USA next year to further his studies. I am worried whether my father's business can carry this burden.

I worry about the job opportunity and the salary after i am graduated. It is no joke. I need to figure out how to face the challenge ahead, most probably living in urban area, to sustain the need of myself and perhaps my future spouse and family. There are some voices going into my head these days that perhaps after i finish my Master degree, i should continue my phD (if i'm sponsored) to remain competitive in job or profession searching in my country. Every year the local universities produce many Master and phD students for the market and labour sector. Since the local university standard/quality has gone down a lot, this affects the value of the labour/employee. I will be one of the victims too, can't say that i'm graduated from Imperial College London, then i can demand the salary i think i suppose to have. What is the situation of local university now? ask your friend, you will know more or less, or perhaps read the news about what's happening in local universities nowadays. All the fools are still occupying the top academic jobs of the university, without convincing qualification but just loyalty pledge to ruling political party. But hey, our malaysian don't deserve this undervalue potential in each and everyone of us, just because of the current failure system of higher education.

I worry a lot more too... the threat to the preserving the unique and diversity of cultures and languages. I am afraid that my next generation will lose the chance to learn proper chinese education in our education system. There are always plots under the current ruling party to transform the chinese education to somewhat less significant than just one-Chinese-language-subject-only school. It's undergoing in MCA's plan of '6-2-4-2' to tranform the Chinese school, dividing and misleading the chinese community.

I worry that one day, the racial tension built up to an unimaginable level, due to the racial politics that promote disintegration and 'divide and rule' and work to discourage the real unity by inciting racial hatred for their political needs (they need this old trick now and then to save their political life). But many malaysian still live in the racial framework that set by them, following those racial sentiments, never really know the real intention of them and get played by them. I feel sad. Actually many racial issues are not really happening, are just a game or a show by those irresponsible politicians. I hate racism.

I always say that Malaysians are kind, hardworking, law-abiding, enduring and often innocent people. We have fruitful national resources and reserves, compare to many developed countries. South Korea and Taiwan were economically underperformed than us few decades ago, now they are leading us, leaving us far far behind. And now they are also more democratic (statistic often shows that democracy level correlates to the performance of the nation). I don't think that Malaysians deserve this. We should be at least on par with Taiwan and South Korea now.

Above are all my mixture feelings on the National Day, that explains the first time i lost the smile on this special day. My worries reflect my concerns for my beloved country. Sometimes i feel frustrated that why many of my friends do not really bother about this - if they do, why don't they show the same concern as me, and have the awareness for many current issues (social-politics issue) ? Without the awareness of most people, how to form a civil society that raise the level of democratic participation, check and balance the almost-dictatorship like government and draconian law, to push for a change? We need not to be a politician to push the agenda we want-- we all bear the same responsibility to build a better society. We can't just expect or hope for people to do the right things for us, we must be a part of the change. Just like you would never let people to control your own fate of life, you want to be the master of your own fate. Nothing comes for free, even to obtain democracy we have to pay a price, or else we pay for an even higher price for our future generation.

I don't worry for nothing , and i am not a natural pessimist ( i bet all my friends know my personalities)- that's why i urge my friends to show your constant care for our country, read more balance news articles (not only from the mainstream newspaper). We must get to know more about our own country , before we can say how much we love it. We must show that, we love it because we care. : )